Good Grief

My classmate, Ally, recently wrote a blog about grief and the laments present in the book of Psalms. Ally says that the American culture is terrible at grieving, noting how us Americans busy ourselves with errands and work. As a result, Americans tend to other outlets, such as bumper stickers and tattoos, to grieve the loss of their loved ones. The link to her blog is as follows: http://allymatteson.blogspot.com/2013/06/a-grief-unobserved.html.

Reading Ally's blog has made me reflect upon my own experiences with grief. Although I have had relatives and grandparents pass away, I was not deeply affected by this because I hardly knew them. So, I will be reflecting upon my observations of friends and family and their dealings with grief. In the Indonesian culture, there seems to be a very communal dealing with grief. The outlets of bumper stickers and tattoos are foreign to me, and as I think upon that, I realize that those methods of grief are very individualized. They share with the world who they have lost, but they won't necessarily invite others in to grieve with them.

Unlike the American culture, in my Indonesian culture, one is not expected to go through grief alone. Just like some of the psalms of lament are communal laments, Indonesians tend to grieve together in community. I remember when my grandfather passed away, my mother and her sisters grieved together. They would reflect on their past together and help each other remember that their father is now with the Lord. In these times of grief they would also lift up each others spirits, joking around to spread some joy in the midst of their loss. Whenever my uncle passed away from cancer, my aunt led her children to grieve for their father. My aunt did not take my uncle's death lightly, and therefore she would bear the responsibility of saying "no" to parties and declining invitations to family reunions because the pain of her loss was too strong. She would also not permit her children to attend these parties and reunions because they were to grieve together as a family. Everything was done in community which makes the burden lighter to bear. I think that there's a comfort in knowing that others are willing to walk alongside you in this journey of healing and that there is a strength in the encouragement of others to push you forwards in life.

The Asian F

So, you've probably heard of the Asian F, but let me give you my perspective. To some parents, an "Asian F" is a B while to others it is an A-. For most Asian parents, a C is punishable by death, so let's not imagine what a real failing grade would equate to. My parents did not care if my brain was more inclined to do mathematics or art, I was expected to do it all excellently. A well-rounded individual did not mean being mediocre at all things, but instead meant that I had to do it all well. I was expected to be both mathematician and artist, both linguist and physicist. After all, they did not sacrifice everything they had to come here to America for me just to be "good" at something. After a while I started to adopt this exceedingly high standard as my own, wanting to be the best at everything.

Since my parents are Christians, I was practically raised by the Bible. The character that they would most often refer to was Daniel. Because I aspired to make my parents proud, I often caught myself looking up to Daniel. First of all, Daniel was a sort of prodigy. He was chosen to serve King Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon because he was handsome, well versed in wisdom, had exceeding amounts of knowledge and was very insightful (Daniel 1:4, NRSV). Then, he was taught the literature and language of the Chaledeans and obviously excelled in that since Daniel 1:20 says, "In every matter of wisdom and understanding concerning which the king inquired of them, he found them ten times better than all the magicians and enchanters in the whole kingdom." Daniel was obviously amazing at what he did. He would be the kind of boy that every Asian parent would want. So what was Daniel's secret? According to Daniel 6:3, Daniel "distinguished himself above all the other presidents and satraps because an excellent spirit was in him" (NRSV). So, I guess the key to a child's success is an excellent spirit. Not only stressing excellence in one subject, but being excellent in all things. I think that Daniel believed in the Asian F. If it wasn't excellent, it wasn't Daniel's.

He has a big mouth...

As a child, I was drawn into charisma. I would watch the Trinity Broadcasting Network as a kid and be so engaged by the dynamic sermons these preachers had to give. As a child, it was also easy for me to trust people. I was so gullible, that if you had charm or charisma, I would automatically believe whatever you said.  Because my parents realized that I was so trusting, they made  an extra effort to tell me that charm and charisma is deceiving. They told me to stop listening to what people were saying and to start noticing what people were doing. Whenever people at church would boast in themselves or proclaim an elaborate testimony, my parents would often say that they have a "big mouth." My parents weren't impressed by the things they said they did, but instead were more impressed by the people who said little but did much.

As I read Ezekiel, this method of thought stuck with me. I was especially intrigued by Ezekiel 33:31 which states, "They come to you as people come, and they sit before you as my people, and they hear your words, but they will not obey them. For flattery is on their lips, but their heart is set on their gain." As I read this, I was reminded of a woman I used to volunteer with who would always complain about how much she did. She made a point to let everyone know that she was working so hard and that she was so tired because of how much she has put into the project. At the end of the day, after evaluating how much work she actually did, it turned out that she did little to nothing. She wanted people to believe that she was super efficient with her tongue to gain the recognition of being a hard worker, but her actual productivity resulted in little. In the same way, Ezekiel is working for people who have a "big mouth" wanting to flatter God with their voice, but their actions do not back that up. This flattery reminds me of Saul and how he tried to persuade Samuel of his good intentions, but still, his actions did not reveal correct obedience to God. I guess my Asian culture taught me right in that charisma shouldn't impress you, but it's their actions that should speak for themselves.

The Biting Asian Tongue

I grew up in a culture where it was totally okay to be brutally honest to those you love most. My relatives and church family would bluntly say that I was fat and needed to go on a diet as a ten-year-old kid. I remember my dad suggesting Slim Fast and people suggesting that I skip meals. I especially remember my cousin's boyfriend telling me that I needed to grow vertically instead of horizontally, and that was all okay. Grandparents have the right to tell you that you have a stomach because it was honest. They didn't tell me this to make fun of me or put me down, but they wanted me to get to a better weight. They cared for me and therefore made it a point to tell me what was wrong with me.

God was probably doing the same thing in Jeremiah. God gave Jeremiah some harsh words and prophecies. A lot of the words could have gotten Jeremiah killed if it weren't for God's protection over his life. For example, in Jeremiah 36, when Baruch was ordered to read the scroll in the palace, the officials told Baruch to "Go and hide, you and Jeremiah, and let no one know where you are." What kind of word did Baruch recite that he had to go into hiding? According to the rest of Jeremiah, some of the words dealt with the king losing his battle and the land burning down. Jeremiah is filled with "because you didn't do this, God is going to do this" language. So, it seems like God was making "Asian parent" threats to Israel and Judah. He was brutally honest with them through Jeremiah's prophecies, but instead of repenting and becoming better they seemed to be unrepentant. God's threats did not cause them to change their lifestyle or do something about it. Instead, it seemed as if they willingly and stubbornly chose to disobey.

"Don't Dare Dishonor the Family"

When I was a child, if I asked to borrow some money from my friends at school and my parents found out about it, it would be the end of me. This simple act of borrowing lunch money was seen by my parents as me shouting to the whole world that my parents were unable to provide. Even though this was not the case at all, and the reason I didn't have lunch money because I forgot it at home, the act of borrowing money was one that shamed the entire family. 

To generalize, I'll put it this way. My actions cannot be separated from my family and my family's actions cannot be separated from me. My personal failure meant that my whole family experienced that failure.  No matter what I do, it would always have an effect on my family. My failures equaled bad parenting. 

Similarly, Israel's negative actions are a negative portrayal of God in the book of Isaiah. Every negative action that Israel did implied that God was a bad God. They claimed the family name of God, but lived rebellious lives, which might have caused foreigners to question if their god was the real god. This is why God urged Israel to repent and walk in the path of righteousness. Their failure to love each other and obey God is a negative reflection of God, and in turn, God should be ashamed of them because they have dishonored him by living careless lives. The Israelites weren't meant to live for themselves, but to honor God. Everything they did was a reflection of their greater family, which was God and his people. 

"See, you shall call nations that you do not know, and nations that do not know you shall run to you, because of the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, for he has glorified you." (Isaiah 55:5, NRSV)

Israel was supposed to cause nations to praise the LORD. Their works were supposed to impress nations to want to be like them. Instead, their actions dishonored the entire family. They acted in a way that brought shame to their "house" and caused foreigners to have a negative image of God. But like the Asian parent, God will not allow his name to be shamed, and therefore urges Israel to keep the covenant. 

"Shame Shame..."

As an Asian American, I know all about shame. If you didn't grow up with tiger parents, let me give you the rundown. As an Asian American, I was held to the impossibly high standard of making straight A's in school, performing flawless solos at recitals, holding an office position in my extracurricular activities, and was raised with the expectation of making a six-figure salary. Clearly, I fell short of all these standards, and because of that I often felt like I was an embarrassment to my family. My parents would blame my mistakes and failures on my inconsistent practice and/or failure to take things seriously. Sometimes, they would yell at me or ground me, but it was all so that I could become better.

As I read Isaiah, I sympathize with the Israelite's shame. They failed, so the only natural response is shame. It's the natural order of life. However, one thing that I don't understand is why they didn't change or repent. From the beginning of Isaiah, the prophet asked Judah "Why do you continue to rebel?" (Isaiah 1:5) This question is followed by promises of restoration and protection if the people would only obey. I learned from an early age that the only way to get rid of my shame is to do everything I can to please my parents. If my parents are happy, then I'll be happy. I know that they don't want me to fail, and they surely don't want me to live an unsuccessful life. That's exactly why they were hard on me and pushed me towards perfection. I think that that is exactly what God is doing here too. God wants the best for his people. Isaiah 55:9 says, "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Just like my parents, I won't always understand why God is pushing me towards perfection and disciplining me along the way. Even though I might not always agree with what God is doing, I know that God will only lead me in the right direction for my good.